How to prevent your Tesla from getting torched by Lefties
They are not using biodegradable spray paint
So you purchased (leased) a Tesla two and a half years ago thinking you were doing something ethical that conveniently signaled not only your virtue but also your net worth. It was the best of both worlds, all rolled up into one blandly designed, hastily assembled data-snarfing golf cart that does zero-to-sixty faster than you can say, “I told everyone I voted for Harris and what’s-his-name, but I actually secretly voted for Trump and Chucky.”
But now the car you smugly bought (leased) that once garnered approving nods from the genderqueer vegan Millennials you whirred past on their bicycles with nutritional yeast and library books about communism bulging out of the NPR totes slung over their frail shoulders has become the object of their venomous vegan vitriol. You have whiplash not only from your (leased) Tesla’s uncomfortably fast acceleration but also from how quickly your baristas have turned against you. Every time you park your car at the farmers market or House of Yes you are convinced you will return to an $87,500 bonfire of melting pleather and bubbling battery juice.
What are you to do? Buy a Prius? Do they even still make Priuses, and are you even a 63-year-old Elisabeth Warren stan who lives in New Hampshire and grows sunflowers and weed in their hoop house?
Your best option is to weather the anti-Tesla storm until until your lease expires in 6 months and then buy a Rav 4, which literally no one other than Ellen Degeneres will ever even notice. Until then, the following are tips that may deter would-be arsonists from torching your Tesla.
Apply Leftist bumper stickers to the many giant windows of your Tesla.
Just like a visible tattoo on a conventionally attractive person is interpreted by a Lefty as solidarity, a progressive-themed bumper sticker on a Tesla tells a masked progressive activist that you have turned your Model 3 into an ironic political platform to antagonize Elon Musk and upper middle class tradwives in Dallas.
Driving with your windshield and rear window plastered in Bernie Sanders 2016 stickers will be inconvenient and maybe even life threatening, but it’s better than having your car blown up. Other stickers that may protect your Tesla from politically-driven spontaneous combustion include:
“Composting is sexy”
“If it’s yellow, let it mellow”
“Birth control is mind control”
“I’ll shave my pits if you shave yours”
“DECOLONIZE”
Also effective are stickers from literally any national park except for Yellowstone, which will antagonize Lefties even more, because it is located in the reddest state in the country and it shares a name with a TV show about rich, attractive white people who took land from indigenous people.
If you already have a “BABY ON BOARD” sticker, simply add the word “NON-BINARY” above the word “BABY.”
Burn palo santo in the cup holder of your Tesla.
Even the angriest Leftist mobs are pacified by the scent of palo santo, an endangered tree that people who say they care about the environment burn to signal that they are the type of person who cares about the environment. You may be thinking, “burning something inside of my unattended car may, in fact, lead to my car burning down, which is the thing I am trying to prevent,” but this is peacetime thinking, and you and your (leased) Tesla are at war.
To be extra sure that someone with green hair, 73 facial piercings, and $183,000 worth of student debt from their unutilized and unmonetized masters in urban planning doesn’t etch an uncircumsized penis on the side of your Cybertruck, put the burning palo santo inside of a maté mug wrapped in a “Bernie Sanders 2016” sticker in the cupholder of your Tesla. Be advised that you will need to leave the windows cracked for this tactic to be effective, which may result in resumes printed on recycled paper piling up on your driver’s seat.
Cover your Tesla in fur.
Burning Man and recreational drugs are the only things in the center of the Venn diagram of wealthy moderate Tesla drivers and Leftie vandals, and one of the defining features of Burning Man aside from recreational drugs is faux fur. Faux fur is mostly used at Burning Man to create makeshift bikinis, loin cloths, and capes, but it can also be used to cover Teslas. Covering your Tesla in faux fur in Austin, Miami or Los Angeles will make it look like a Burning Man art car, which will redeem your (leased) Tesla of the sin of being born of Elon Musk. Be advised that if you live in San Francisco and you cover your Tesla in faux fur, it will become a homeless encampment, and you will lose custody of your vehicle.
Preemptively vandalize your Tesla.
If the end of your lease term is more than 6 months away, you may wish to pursue a more enduring and lower maintenance solution to protecting your Tesla from people who don’t understand that destroying property will not change anything other than their arrest record. Just like playing dead may prevent a bear from eating you, or leaving a parking ticket on your dashboard may prevent a cop from issuing you a second ticket, preemptively keying or spray-painting your Tesla will prevent someone from roasting vegan mashmallows on it.
The key (pun!) to this tactic is doing as little damage as possible while making it look like your Tesla has been sufficiently vandalized. This is a perfect example of a Tesla that has been sufficiently but not unrecoverably fucked:
Play Tegan and Sara inside of your Tesla.
No matter where you are or what model Tesla you bought (leased), your Elon-machine will be safe if you leave your car sound system playing Tegan and Sara in your absence. Even the angriest of Lefties will be pacified into singing along to their folksy synth-pop songs that are as infectious as HSV-1 at a Bushwick play party.
If you’re concerned about your battery running out, just remind yourself that your entire fucking car is one giant fucking battery.