What your text greeting says about you

hi, hii, and hiiii are very different

“Hiiii,” reads the text message that pops onto my iPhone screen above the undulating typing indicator. Without even a nanosecond of conscious thought, I know that in the subsequent line of text - which is probably going to be wordy and awkward given both the duration and the stop-start pattern of the typing indicator, I am going to be asked for either a favor or sex. The latter would be awkward given the sender is a tertiary friend who is in what I understood to be a monogamous relationship, but who really knows these days. A favor, though, seemed more likely, and sure enough, here it is — a request to be introduced to another tertiary friend who is known to have a large loft space in Williamsburg that could accommodate the 75 prospective attendees of a Burning Man fundraiser. I consider being honest and telling this person to reference our last text exchange, which was also a favor, but she did preface both asks with the magic word: “Hiiii.” Adding those three i’s to hi allows the sender to get away with writing literally anything. Hiiii is to an unpalatable message what heat is to ice. It’s the closest a human can get to a purr. I introduce her to the loft-having person and wish them both good luck getting the smell of palo santo and regret out of the loft after the fundraiser.

The greeting with which you choose to begin a text message says everything about your identity and your intentions. Choose this greeting carefully, because it colors everything that follows.

So that you are not unwittingly misconstrued, I’ve compiled and defined every text message greeting. Note that capitalization and punctuation can have as transformative an effect on a greeting as the number of repeated letters. As such, you will find below every possible permutation of each root greeting:

Hello - You are a bot sending an automated reminder for a past-due payment. You will be deleted without a second thought. If you really wanted someone to pay that bill, you’d put it on paper and mail it like a legit business. Maybe in your next digital life you will be reincarnated as a macro in a useful Excel spreadsheet.

Hello! - You are a 60something dad in a good mood writing to your irresponsible late 20something offspring. You will probably be asked for the down payment for an apartment. If they respond with, hiiii, you just might provide it.

Hi. - Note the period. You are irritated that your work colleague has not sent the file you requested three days ago. Thing is, they aren’t going to send it, because your company is about to do a round of layoffs, and you’re the only one slated to be laid off, because you’re passive aggressive, and you should really have been a more self-sufficient team player who takes initiative: the file is totally in the shared drive.

Hi! - a) You are a mom writing to tell your child that you miss them and to call you after work, or b) you are a Millennial writing to begin a break-up conversation with someone you’ve been half-heartedly dating for four months. Either way, godspeed.

hii - You should take a shower and make your bed.

Hiii - you’re trying too hard to be low-key, and you’re coming off as high-key. Take a deep breath and add that fire fourth i like someone who is actually chill.

Hiiii - Get excited to receive literally anything you ask for. Those magical four i’s will get you a venmo for $200, a reservation at Carbone Miami through that friend who knows Jeff Zalaznick, or a second chance at a late-night hang with the third-string hookup you ghosted two weeks ago. You are also conventionally good looking and in the prime of your life. You should consider starting a podcast and a Substack with no free subscription option, because you are worth every one of those five to eight dollars a month. You are the veritable definition of abundance.

👋 - We need to work on your self-confidence. You acne has long since cleared up, and some people would even consider you attractive. Try to work on your posture. Send those shoulders back. They’re terrible, but those superman exercises where you lay with your belly on the floor and send your arms and legs up into the air will help. Also, you use too many question marks. A question without a question mark signals zero fucks, and you could stand to give fewer fucks.

Heyyy - You are a slimeball. When was the last time you did something nice for someone? Why is everything always about you and your endless needs? You should start meditating and foster an aggressive but misunderstood rescue pit bull, who will take a chunk out of your right calf, the one you spend the most time popping in the gym mirror.

heyy - Pretty exciting having your own phone, eh? How much money have you earned on Roblox? Stop sending that girl d pics on Snap. Also she isn’t a girl.

Hej - You are Swedish. How are you so damn good looking and also so freakishly nice?

yo - no one likes you.

Yo! - everyone likes you.

Hiya! - You are a single, moderately attractive British women in her mid 30s living in Islington. You have a 14-year-old tabby cat that you know will imminently enter the feline astral plane, and you have mixed feelings about this, because your boyfriend of four years says he’s allergic, which is why you are constantly commuting to his place in Notting Hill. You probably deserve better, especially if you get Invisalign.

Heya - [masculine equivalent of hiya] You’ve worked hard to shed your Billaricay Essex accent. You almost sound like you could have gone to Cambridge, but ICL is still a totally valid uni. Really. All that work you’ve done in the gym is paying off. You’d lose that last stubborn stone if you’d ease up on the pints. If you don’t ask Gemma to marry you within 5 months, she’s going to break up with you.

Alright? - You are Matthew McConnaughey.

[recipient’s name]! - Should you even be texting this person? You didn’t respond to their suggestion to get coffee 7 months ago after you exchanged numbers at that party you didn’t want to go to. You’re about to apologize for the “radio silence,” because you’ve been crazy busy, but you would have made time if you had even a modicum of interest. Are you sure there isn’t someone else you can invite to your Burning Man fundraiser? Is their $75 really worth having to actually get that matcha with them? I guess it comes down to how much you value your time. If you’re worth $200 an hour, say, you shouldn’t send that text.

Been a while! - Dude, it’s been three years. She isn’t going to write you back, and she doesn’t care that you’ve made VP, and she won’t come to your hosted celebration drinks at NoMad, because she never was and never will be into you. Until you make MD.

Morning! - OMFG. Did you put Adderall in your coffee? What are you doing up so early - did you wet the bed again? You totally know that whomever you’re writing is a normal human being and isn’t awake yet. You’re kind of banking on the fact that they forgot to put their phone on silent, and you’re intentionally waking them up and robbing them of the 90 minutes of sleep that you spent at SoulCycle even though spinning is totally over, because, since becoming a morning person after that yoga retreat in Santa Teresa, you feel compelled to impose your morning person values on literally everyone. I hope your AG1 goes down the wrong pipe. Rethink your life.

sup - You are a 24-year-old male who works for a bank in operations, but you tell women at Wilfie & Nell, Tiny’s Hi-Dive, or The Ned that you’re on the equity derivatives trading desk. You were an accomplished college athlete, and you’re pretty good looking until you talk. You’re dimly aware of this, which is why you limit your text messages to, sup. And no, she is not up.

How are you? - Do you really care? Or are you just asking because English is your second language (there isn’t even a translation of how are you in your language) and you’re a bit on the spectrum.

hru - You love this person a lot. You miss them deeply. You might even marry them if they showed even the slightest glimmer of interest. The truth is, they are totally into you, but they don’t think that you’re into them, because you unnecessarily abbreviate words to the point of indecipherability, you never use exclamation points or question marks, and it takes you two days to respond to a message — and when you do, it’s at 12:01am, which makes it seem like you’re writing from someone else’s bed after they’ve gone to sleep. This is because you are avoidant, which is super, super hot.

Dear - I’m so sorry for your loss.