Is listening more your vibe? Feel free to play the audio recording instead of reading:
Who hasn’t stared into the mirror after a long night in Williamsburg, Silver Lake, or Hackney, wiped from their left nostril a light dusting of powder that they hadn’t noticed in dim candle lighting, and asked themself, “am I a vibe?” Other than getting an invitation to a private play party, there is no greater achievement for younger, nomadic residents of California, the Northeast (except Boston), and bits of Europe who have joined the 1% through family money or the proceeds of a company acquisition and consider themselves polyamorous and spiritual – let’s call them Spiritual Poly Rich Millennials, or SPRM – than being called a vibe. Having a fellow SPRM call you a vibe is a life affirmation nonpareil. It means that you have achieved a unique frequency that people want to tune into, an energy that others strive to emulate, and a social media presence that people high-key stalk. Because none of these are quantifiable metrics (except looking at who has viewed your stories, which is not a vibe), and because one must be called a vibe by someone else who is universally agreed to a vibe, it’s hard to know your score on the vibe-o-meter. I’m going to help you determine for yourself your exact caliber of vibe and even help you optimize your vibe, because anxiously waiting for your vibe coronation is not a vibe.
You may be wondering what exactly a vibe (vīb, noun) is.
Despite the efforts of other publications to intellectualize and politicize its meaning, there is no concrete definition of a vibe, but when ~vibes~ (vībs, plural noun) are present, people feel that the odds are high of having sex with one or more people they have just met. ~Vibes~ can be created any time of day and anyplace in the world (except Boston), and ~vibes~ can be generated by a combination of candles, expensive functional elixirs that don’t actually function, bland vegan food decorated with edible flowers, deep house music that originates from someone wearing a flat-brimmed hat pressing a button on an Apple laptop, the stench scent of palo santo, and gratuitously sincere connection activities, such as staring into a total stranger’s pupils for a literally eye watering amount of time. The vibe of any location (except Boston) can be elevated when the majority of people are dressed in capes, kimonos, or culturally appropriated ethnic clothing that makes white people look like they shopped at Goodwill in a foreign country, because United1 lost their luggage, which is still covered in Playa dust.
There are certain experiences where the vibe is likely to be particularly high or low. For example:
~Vibes~ are high at Brooklyn floor parties. ~Vibes~ are low at Midtown happy hours.
~Vibes~ are high at European football games. ~Vibes~ are low at American football games.
~Vibes~ are high in Southern Europe. ~Vibes~ are low in Northern Europe (except Copenhagen).
~Vibes~ are high on the Upper West Side. ~Vibes~ are low on the Upper East Side.
~Vibes~ are high in Topanga. ~Vibes~ are low in Calabasas.
~Vibes~ are high in the Apple store. ~Vibes~ are low at the Samsung store.
~Vibes~ are high at Torrisi. ~Vibes~ are low at Carbone.
~Vibes~ are high at the new La Guardia Airport. ~Vibes~ are low at LAX.
~Vibes~ are high in a bathtub. ~Vibes~ are low in a shower (unless it’s an outdoor rain shower in Bali and you’re on molly).
~Vibes~ are high when you’re summering. ~Vibes~ are low when you’re “on vacation.”
~Vibes~ are high after a bump of K. ~Vibes~ are low after a shot of Jaeger.
~Vibes~ are high on Delta. 1~Vibes~ are low on United.
With these inanimate examples as the foundation of your vibe education, let’s progress to notable people who are a vibe and vibe-nots:
The Dalai Llama is a vibe. Deepak Chopra is not a vibe.
RBG was a vibe. Amy Coney Barrett is not a vibe.
Tommy Lee Jones is a vibe. Tommy Lee is not a vibe.
Albert Einstein was a vibe. Robert Oppenheimer was not a vibe.
Haruki Murakami is a vibe. Stephen King is not a vibe.
Ai Weiwei is a vibe. Damien Hirst is not a vibe.
Venus Williams is a vibe. Serena Williams is not a vibe.
Han Solo is a vibe. Luke Skywalker is not a vibe.
David Remnick is a vibe. Anna Wintour is not a vibe.
Art Garfunkel is a vibe. Paul Simon is not a vibe.
Cockatoos are a vibe. Parrots are not a vibe.
Oprah Winfrey is a vibe. Ellen DeGeneres is not a vibe.
Johnny Cash was a vibe. Garth Brooks is not a vibe.
Johannes Brahms was a vibe. Pyotr Tchaikovsky was not a vibe.
Barack Obama is a vibe. Actually Barack Obama is the only living politician who is a vibe.
Sergey Brin is a vibe. Elon Musk is not a vibe.
Queen Elizabeth was a vibe. King Charles is not a vibe.
By now many of you are probably wondering, “am I vibe?”
If you have to ask, you are probably not a vibe. Most people who are a vibe were born a vibe – with a vibe trust fund, so to speak, or endowed with vibes through vibe nepotism (vibepotism), only vibes are usually passed on from the maternal side, like Judaism, which is a vibe. There are, however, things you can do to improve your intrinsic vibe.
Some people need only a bit of tuning to become a vibe, and others require an entire vibe overhaul. For example, if you are a hedge fund manager living on the Upper East Side who spends summer weekends in East Hampton, goes to St Tropez for New Years and Aspen for a week in late February, shops at Vineyard Vines, considers a four-day weekend of golfing at Shadow Creek and strippers in Vegas with HBS buddies a good time, and will quietly vote for Trump in 2024, it will take extreme measures for you to have even the slightest chance of becoming a vibe. These measures would include quitting your job, doing a 2-year silent vipassana, attending every regional Burn in the world for three years, getting a masters in sustainable agriculture, adopting a three-legged rescue cat, learning to surf blindfolded, becoming pansexual, suffering from and recovering from a mild meth addiction, and moving to a communal fruit farm in Topanga.
You must frame the process of becoming a vibe as less of an end and more of a means to an end. Think of it like physical fitness (which is a vibe), where training is the means and activities that require fitness are the end. Once you have achieved the means of being a vibe, the end is getting away with openly dating a lot of people at once even if they are not polyamorous, being entirely hosted at all manner of costly experiences (e.g., Burning Man, the US Open, and peak experience trips), and getting tagged in Instagram stories even if you are not in the photo in the hopes that you will re-share the story to elevate the vibe of the person who originally shared the story. Note that you will not re-share the story, because that’s not a vibe.
Like fitness, becoming a vibe is a long, slow process. For example, if you were to try to do an ironman triathlon (which is not a vibe) without any training, you would definitely lose and probably die. Attempting to accumulate a vibe too quickly will reveal you as someone who is trying to be a vibe, and the appearance of trying is antithetical to being a vibe. Foundational to becoming and staying a vibe is not giving a fuck about being a vibe. If this seems counterintuitive, you will never be a vibe.
Now that you have a baseline understanding of what a vibe is and can associate ~vibes~ with a variety of experiences, places, and famous people, you are ready to discover your own personal level of vibe. To facilitate this important leap of self-awareness, I have created a vibe-rater. Use it on yourself, or use it on a friend.
Does a semi circle form around you at parties (before everyone sits on the floor)?
Yes: +1, No: -1Can you single handedly initiate a cuddle puddle?
Yes: +7, No: 0Are you sat at the end of a table at dinner parties?
Yes: +3, No: +1 (for being invited at all)Are you often made a co-host of a party even if you aren’t paying for it, doing any work to prepare for it, or providing any kind of tangible value?
Yes: +13, No: 0Are you on the permanent GA list at Gospel after going 3 or more times?
Yes: +1, No: 0Are you on the permanent GA list at Gospel but you have never once been to Gospel?
Yes: +11, No: 0Which text you are more likely to receive?
“Are you around?” +3, “Are you in town?” +8Has the date of a party ever been changed because you are not in town?
Yes: +6, No: 0Do people ask if you have a dealer in random foreign countries?
Yes: +12, No: +12Do people ask what fragrance you’re wearing when you aren’t wearing anything?
Yes: +4, No: 0
Do people ask what fragrance you’re wearing when you’re wearing Baccarat Rouge 540?
Yes: -54
This is a trick question. Baccarat Rouge is not a vibe.
Do people you don’t even follow watch your stories on the reg?
Yes: +2, No: 0, I don’t know: +15
What is your text / DM response time?
1 second: 0
1 minute: +1
5 - 15 mins: +2
15 - 60 mins: +3
1+ hour: +4
1+ day: +10
What is your attachment style?
Anxious: +2
Avoidant: +9
Secure: 0
Anxious avoidant: +10
How many DJs phone numbers do you have under their real name?
None: +6
One: +2
Two: +4
Three: +6
Four: +10
Five or more: -10 (you are a club promoter)Are you a DJ?
Yes: +5
No: +10
Do you have “a fund”?
Yes: -3, No: 0
In the US: +2
In Europe: -1 (summering only in Europe = new money)
Europe in July, US in August: +12
Summer is not a verb: -12
How many times can you say you’re not going to Burning Man and people still totally know that you’re definitely going to Burning Man?
Once: +1
Twice: +5
Thrice: +15
Four times: +30
Five or more: -30 (you are Eric Schmidt, and the people who are asking are your second-string girlfriends)
Do people ask you to DJ when you don’t actually know how to DJ and have never had any kind of DJ training other than creating a Spotify playlist?
Yes: +20, No: 0
Where do you live? Please refer to the National Vibe Distribution map for scoring if you are American (if you are a New Yorker, you are not American – skip to #22), and the Global Vibe Distribution map if you pay 80% tax and drive a weird version of the cars we have here. Note: anyone living in Lisbon for the vanity passport and tax evasion who isn’t Portuguese gets -10.
If you live in NYC, use this more nuanced map, which shows Vibe Distribution by neighborhood:
Has anyone ever given you a vinyl record as a gift without knowing you have a record player?
Yes: +5, No: 0
Do you go to Barry’s Bootcamp?
Yes: -18, No: +20
Will you dress up for Halloween?
Yes: +15, No: 20
Where do you keep your party costumes?
I just order shit from Amazon and then throw it out the next day: -20
In a drawer: +5
In an entire dedicated closet: +8
People just give me stuff to wear: +10
Are you 100% straight?
Yes: -15, No: +15
How many plants do you have?
None: -12
One: +6
Two to six: +12
Seven or more: -20 (you are agoraphobic)
Do people often ask you if you got a haircut when you haven’t gotten a haircut remotely recently?
Yes: +2, No: 0
Do designers ask you to wear their clothing?
Yes: +5, No: 0
Do designers pay you to wear their clothing?
Yes: -15, No: +20
Do you wear sunglasses at night?
Yes: -8
No: +8
So I can, so I can watch you weave then breathe your story lines: +30Corey Hart was a vibe, RIP
J/k he’s fine, but he’s Canadian so..
Do you have an aquarium?
Yes: -20, No: +20
Do you do yoga?
Yes: +5, No: 0
Do you talk about yoga?
Yes: -50, No: +15
Are you vegan?
Yes: -75, No: +20
Do you work?
Yes: -3, No: -8, “I have projects”: +10
Do you own more than once vest?
Yes: -30, No: 0
Are you a subscriber?
Yes: +30, No: -100
Did you actually add all of this up?
Yes: -30, No: +30
Should you feel drawn to vibe coaching to improve your score, I am available at the rate of $1,100 per hour.
Special thanks to Allie H, Casey P, Steve T, and Zoë H. Each of you are a vibe.
Share this post with someone who is a vibe (or needs more of a vibe):
As a gift to my paid subscribers, this free (well, you’re paying me for something) downloadable Excel model has each question and corresponding points pre-populated and totaled for your convenience. Download it now to make calculating your vibe more of a vibe:
Simply delete whichever number is not your answer, and you will have your vibe score.
This is *chef's kiss* perfection. Faves: Damien Hirst (so not a vibe), David Remnick (a major vibe), Cockatoos (the og vibe), Barack (the lone political vibe).
I randomly thought of this post 1.5 years later and came to re read it because it was so funny 😂 probably not a vibe but whatever 💅🏼