10 Ways to Keep Calm and Carry On

An Americanized list of British coping mechanisms

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Approximately eleventy-bajillion things in the world right now are literally or figuratively on fire. You may be feeling that the widespread hurling of missiles, bullets, and epithets is a sign that you should quit your job of PDFing and emailing things, terminate all of your automatic payments, and relocate to a sleepy, out-of-the-way place that isn’t relevant enough to be nuked, like Boston.

America’s former oppressor and current special friend, Great Britain, has a long and vibrant history of blowing things up and being blown up. As such, Britain, which was more Great before it cut ties with Europe and became a political, economic, and cultural island, is the undisputed welter weight world champion of not only imperializing but also having chill during these dodgy uncertain times.

So that you can keep calm and not relocate to Boston, I have compiled and Americanized for you a list of the top ten British coping mechanisms that have been deployed during stressful moments since The Year of Our Lord 927 AD.

Have a nice cup of tea.

The first words spoken by everyone in London on September 3, 1939 were, “put the kettle on.” The only Americans who drink tea, however, are people over the age of 94 and Millennials vomiting at plant medicine ceremonies in Upstate yurts. To adapt the British tea experience for your American palette, simply open a can of Diet Coke, pour it in a large Nicolas Cage mug, and microwave it on high for 12 minutes.

Then, take a seat on your settee sofa couch, enjoy the warmth of Nick Cage in your hands, and sip away both the delicate lining of your mouth and all of your concerns about World War III.

Respond to utter chaos with droll understatements.

The strongest language that an English person would ever use to describe a sudden, cataclysmic explosion three feet from their corgi would be, “how inconvenient.” Responding to alarming or dangerous circumstances with understatements is a way of diffusing the cortisol response and also seeming like James Bond in the 1960s, before he fucking cried in Casino Royale. The next time you open Instagram and see a news clip of fireballs scorching through the sky, just say, “well, at least it isn’t drizzling.”

Queue.

A queue (kyoo) is the British word for line. Britons prefer to stand in queues rather than on lines, because why use a simple four-letter word when one can use a long, unpronounceable word that has lots of silent vowels in it. Queuing was a symbol of British order and fairness during WWII when people would have to line up and wait for rations, like ale and football scores. Thanks to cis female Gen Z TikTok influencers, food queues are now ubiquitous in New York City.

So, the next time the Internet tells you something that makes you anxious, open up TikTok, search for “#WestVillageGirl,” and walk to any establishment that you are emphatically told is literally to die for.

By standing in this very long queue for a expensive, limited edition carbohydrate or sugar product along with a hoard of younger people who took the train in from Connecticut or New Jersey wearing expensive pajamas (pyjamas), you will be able to keep calm and carry on whilst while waiting in that 2-hour queue for your $8 comfort bagel.

Have a stiff upper lip.

Because Great Britain is already surrounded by the water along its shores and the water falling relentlessly from its skies, British people have evolved out of having tear ducts. Whereas Gen Z Americans in the Northeast and especially the Pacific Northwest express every single one of their emotions through crying, British people emote by making their upper lip rigid.

Because British people have been stiffening their upper lip in response to massive trauma for thousands of years, they are adept at subconsciously immobilizing only their top lip, which for an American would be like calculating the tip without counting it out on your fingers.

A less challenging way to stiffen one’s upper lip is to ask the unregistered nurse who administers your botox to load up your lower face. By immobilizing your lower face, nothing at all will phase you, because you will have a perpetually stiff upper lip for 6 to 12 weeks.

Utter something dryly witty or wittily dry.

Related to the understatement, Britons use dry humor to make horrific things merry. A London cafe was hit by a bomb during WWII, and the proprietor hung a sign that famously read, “very open at the moment.”

Americans are not capable of dry humor, so a great alternative is spiritual bypassing, which is already used by 30something women in New York City and Los Angeles to handle any kind of adversity or criticism.

If at some point Iran drops a nuclear weapon on your head, just say “everything happens for a reason,” “love and light,” or “good vibes only,” and all of your trauma will melt away along with your soft tissue.

Apologize.

Most people outside of the United Kingdom don’t realize that the superfluous apology is how Britons achieve orgasm. Just saying the word, “sorry” (SUH-ree) raises the vibe and lowers the blood pressure of any British person.

Americans, however, are not capable of taking even performative accountability, so a good way to use the British apology coping mechanism is to point to anyone nearby and say, “it’s your fault.”

G’down the pub.

More and more Americans are choosing not to drink alcohol, and no one in the United States knows what a pub is, so saying g’down the pub to someone in great distress would not be beneficial.

The American translation of g’down the pub is do a bump of ketamine, which is an herbal supplement known to provide chill. The next time you hear explosions or rioting outside your door, simply g’down the pub and have a pint of ketamine.

Discuss the weather.

The only news that has a chance of being good right now is the weather. Rather than discussing the Middle East or Trump or Trump in the Middle East, just make a factual comment about the weather, which is the highest act of vulnerability and connection that any Briton will ever experience. Just a few simple words, like, “bit grey gray today, innit,” will cause your cortisol levels to precipitously drop like the barometric pressure in England.

Walk it off.

Anytime a Briton is has a feeling, be it bad or neutral, they simply walk it off. Nothing deletes all form of emotion like putting on a pair of Wellies, a Barbour jacket, and a sense of entitlement and going for a long walk in the pastoral countryside that you have inherited as the first born male in a landed aristocratic family.

Long walks in your own personal countryside are slightly less calming if you are not followed at a respectful distance by a vintage green Land Rover driven by your own personal butler, who at any moment is prepared to fix you a gin tonic, but walking it off in the 1/20th of an acre park that’s twelve blocks from your studio apartment and filled with empty White Claw cans is better than showing your feels.

Repress.

By far the most common but also the most advanced British coping mechanism is pushing any feeling that is not thirst, hunger or disdain out of one’s conscious awareness. “I’m absolutely fine,” translated from British to American is, “I have just lost several of my limbs in a hippopotamus accident whilst while on safari.”

The only Americans with the ability to repress emotions are male Boomers in Massachusetts, so a way to simulate the feeling of repressing an emotion is to hold your breath until you pass out.

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I hope this newsletter finds you well in these uncertain times, please add any of your favorite coping mechanisms in the comments, and subscribe to get more posts about how to improve your life.