What's your Resting Weird Face (RWF)?
It's probably not flattering
Listen to an audio recording of the following text so that you can stare at yourself in the mirror while hearing about the various Resting Weird Faces you may be making:
You may be familiar with the term resting bitch face (RBF), which was probably coined by an anxious person who internalized every superficial hint of negative emotion on the faces of total strangers. This person probably now resides in a padded room at a facility just outside of Cleveland, and RBF is no longer a thing today—it’s just how every adult face appears when it has not been sufficiently botoxed. Resting weird face (RWF), however, is now a legitimate thing that effects 74% of the population. RWF is an unattractive expression to which someone’s face unconsciously defaults when not emoting for the benefit of others, and it is the single biggest reason why global birthrates are declining.
An easy way to determine if you have RWF is to think of a time when you were having sex near a mirror. If you made eye contact in the mirror more than once with yourself, you do not have RWF. This is because you are vain and self-conscious enough to be perpetually aware of what your face is doing, even when you are in REM sleep. You hunt relentlessly for the sight of your face in every vaguely reflective surface, and you are convinced that everyone around you is in love with you. An outsized share of your bandwidth is dedicated to making sure your face in repose is always perfect for any onlooker: mouth closed and gently curled into the faint trace a serene smile, forehead peacefully relaxed, eyebrows in a symmetrically unagitated position, chin up so that you don’t create unflattering folds of skin below it. While people all around you succumb to the physical and emotional gravity of current events and reveal on their faces their grotesque inner monologues, your vigilant efforts to keep your own countenance composed in a way that is flattering for you and pleasing to other people make the ubiquitous fuckery in the world just a bit more bearable.
The rest of you definitely have RWF, and you are making existence less attractive for other people. The following are common variations of RWFs and how to correct them:
Resting Teeth Face (RTF)
You have lips for many reasons, but a great one is to conceal your teeth. RTF happens when either your upper lip recedes to create a look of mild, horrified disgust or when your lower lip droops, which gives the impression that you have been administered too much lithium. To stop fanging-out, simply buy that overpriced, underproven tape that longevity fanatics use to keep their mouth closed while they sleep and wear it at all times while you’re awake. After several years of keeping your mouth taped shut your RTF will resolve, you will probably lose a few pounds, and you may even live longer.
Resting Zax Face (RZF)
The Zax are those Dr Seuss characters who stand in stubborn opposition to one another, because neither will get out of the other’s way—like an incredibly boring game of chicken. While they wait for all of eternity for the other to yield, their lower lips jut out, the corners of their mouths dive downwards, and their eyebrows raise imperiously. The resulting expression is one of haughty indignation and disdainful resolve. RZF in the wild is most common on long customer service lines, crowded public transportation, and on the faces of presidential candidates during televised debates. The best way to train yourself out of RZF is to configure your features into the exact opposite positions: create an exaggerated smile without baring your teeth and lower your eyebrows into a frown, like the one your dermatologist makes you do to see where to inject the Botox that you probably need. Make this face for at least three hours a day in public. You will look like you think everyone is an amusing idiot or like Donald Trump when he is refuting a fact.
Resting Chin Face (RCF)
RCF is a particularly unsightly RWF. It’s when you angle your chin too far down towards your chest, creating multiple chins, which makes even the most beautiful person on the planet look horrific. The best way to remedy RCF is to wear a neck brace. You probably have one from when you tried to sue that restaurant for that loose bit of carpet you tripped on a few years ago after it had served you 7 too many Mezcal Negronis. Simply wear the neck brace forever and you will never have RCF and always be thought of as someone who is faking an injury to receive workers compensation payments.
Resting Stunned Face (RSF)
RSF is that expectant, deer-in-headlights expression that happens when your eyebrows abandon your eyes for your hairline. RSF is common among doctors, television reporters, restaurant hostesses and anyone else who must constantly listen to people say stupid things but must remain polite. RSF is the easiest of all RWFs to correct. Simply be Nicole Kidman, who has lost any ability to raise her eyebrows under any circumstances. If you cannot be Nicole Kidman, go to a shady med spa and ask for triple the amount of Botox that can be safely administered to humans, and your RSF will resolve within 2 weeks if you survive.
Resting Duck Face (RDF)
RDF happens when 37-year-old Eastern European women spend too much time posing for professional dating app photos and preening for married investment bankers from Connecticut in Casa Cipriani, and their faces get stuck in that kiss-me-baby expression that literally no one actually finds remotely attractive. The best way to treat RDF is to wear an N95 mask at all times, which unfortunately results in another RWF called Resting Brooklyn Leftie Face (RBLF). The best way to treat RBLF is to stop believing that Socialism works, which is ironically what causes RDF.
Thank you for working to raise your level of self-awareness, and good luck not always and forever worrying what your face is doing when you aren’t obsessing about it now that you know that RWF is a thing.