US debt holders eliminate American presidency, appoint CEO
"Fuck this shit," said the people who actually own the USA
Following last night’s debate the largest holders of US debt, including Japan ($1.2T), China ($800B), UK ($750B), Luxembourg ($375B), and Canada ($340B), have collaborated with the biggest US banks, pensions, and insurers to eliminate the presidential electoral process and move to a corporate board structure, which will appoint all future US presidents. The biggest landowners in the United States – Native American tribes, Canada, and some lumberjack dude called Red Emmerson – also participated in the statutory demand that has resulted in the toppling of the 234-year-old democratic American presidential system.
“That debate last night was fucking terrifying,” said Kazuo Ueda, the governor of the Bank of Japan (BOJ), which owns the largest amount of US treasuries. “We have a lot of skin in the game, so to speak, and we’ve decided that maybe letting mouth-breathers vote and paying someone motivated only by power and fame less than a first-year associate at a second-tier corporate law firm isn’t the best way to attract top leadership talent for the world’s most powerful country.” Ueda continued to explain that BOJ along with other significant creditors and landowners (The Board) convened last night on an all-hands emergency Zoom meeting and agreed to use straight up gangster style measures to force an overhaul of the executive branch that will include ousting President Biden, eradicating the electorate and public presidential elections, and immediately installing a Board-elected CEO of the United States.
The Board deliberated for four minutes before selecting Jamie Dimon, who is currently the Chairman and CEO of JP Morgan Chase, a $3.5 trillion bank and the largest financial institution in the country.
“Jamie Dimon has fucking crushed it the past 17 years as the CEO of JP Morgan Chase,” said Ueda. “He 3x’d revenue of a 225-year-old bank. That motherfucker will pay us back our shit in a minute.”
“Yeah, he’s an old white guy, but he’s our old white guy,” said Dr. Buu Nygren, president of the Navajo Nation, which owns of 17 million acres of US land. “We figure if we pay him a base of $100 million a year and give him a performance-based bonus of a billion in cash, commodities, and tropical islands he’ll be sufficiently incentivized to figure out the economy, climate change, and not make everyone in the world wonder if the executive branch of the US government is a giant dystopian reality show designed to boost cable news viewership.”
Under the former democratic presidential system, presidents were paid $400,000 a year followed by a $220,000 retirement and a lifetime of being criticized for countless mistakes. Other benefits include 3rd string secret service protection and a presidential library filled with embarrassing tschockes, redacted documents, and dull books that no one can check out if they even wanted to, which they totally do not. People who have big feelings and talk loudly on the Internet have long supported the idea of making the presidency a less terrible job by paying leaders more and not allowing people with IQs below 120 to participate in democracy, which, as it turns out, was a pretty good idea.
The Board also unanimously agreed to automate the judicial branch of government with a large language model (LLM) trained by episodes of Law & Order and to replace the legislative branch with an AI designed to mine social media sentiment and discern the wishes of US citizens who are not assholes. The privatization of the executive branch and the automation of the judicial and legislative branches is estimated to reduce the annual cost of running the country from approximately $6 trillion down to $500 billion.
“This was a pretty dope country when it wasn’t a country,” continued Nygren. “Maybe now that it’s being run as for-profit corporation with enterprise-grade AI-driven software it will be dope again.” Jamie Dimon could not be reached for comment for this article, as he is busy selecting color swatches for the Oval Office, which will be relocated to the Upper East Side of Manhattan after he finishes summering in Europe.
This is fantástico!
As a big fan of corporate governance…. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼