The vibes of drug-infested sharks around the world
What is your local shark likely to be high on?
Listen to an audio recording of the following text in case you are scuba diving looking for drug-infested sharks and cannot easily look at a screen:
You may have heard the news that scientists have discovered sharks off the coast of Brazil that - as a result of rain run-off - are infested with cocaine, which is an energy supplement used by people who don’t have naturally occurring personalities and enjoy arguing with nightclub staff at 3am about the size of the included tip on bottle service. These same scientists, who discovered these cocaine sharks by doing lines of their dried, powdered cartilage for its purported health benefits, have been spending grant money to explore the waters off of various coasts and test local shark populations for the substances in the bloodstream and their correlated vibe. Here are the preliminary results of their research:
East River sharks: belly up in a K-hole with great restaurant recs
These sharks are generally very slow and fatigued, as they are never not jet lagged and tired because they have just returned from Ibiza no matter what time of year or which day you engage them. Then tend to by highly polyamorous and suspicious of both monogamy and having a job. A great way of approaching these sharks is by offering them K and asking them to tell the story behind the large, complex tattoo on their left pectoral fin.
Hudson River sharks: aggro (coke), horny (GHB), and studious (Adderall)
Sharks that were found in the lower part of the Hudson River typically score much higher on the GMAT and CFA than sharks found anywhere else in the world due to a unique mix of cocaine (see above) and Adderall, a vitamin invented on the Upper East Side for boarding school students from wealthy, bitterly divorced households on Park Avenue. Sharks off the coast of Chelsea, a Manhattan neighborhood known for mesh tank tops, leather harnesses, and bars with TVs broadcasting sports that no one watches, were 5 times more likely to engage in group sex as a result of being almost entirely filled with GHB.
San Francisco Bay sharks: THEY CAN SEE THE FUTURE (LSD, psilocybin)
Sharks that are found off the coast of San Francisco - which has the highest concentration of people who attend Burning Man - are super fun to hang out with for about 3 minutes. After 3 minutes, they cannot stop talking about how no one outside of San Francisco can truly comprehend just how drastically AI will change the world. This is because they have been infested with both LSD and psilocybin (the chemical found in Shiit-talking mushrooms), both of which make people and sharks super annoying to be around unless you are also infested with LSD and psilocybin. These sharks may, however, be venture partners at prominent Bay Area venture capital firms and could possibly get you into a special purpose vehicle (SPV) that invests in promising pre-IPO Gen AI startups, which will all be unprofitably subsumed by MSFT, GOOG and OpenAI.
Venice Beach sharks: physically healthy, emotionally anxious, infested with placebos
Sharks that are found off the coast of Venice Beach are typically very healthy but have zero savings. No trace of alcohol or 401(k)s were found in these fish, but scientists identified hundreds of very expensive supplements. Collagen peptides, a very profitable placebo sold by companies founded by trust-funded influencers who eat a lot of grass-fed beef, don’t wear sunblock, and go on dates at Erewhon, comprised 82% of their blood stream. The remaining 16% was a mix of adaptogens, B-12 IV liquid, and Cialis.
Seine sharks: poopy, buttery, and disdainful
Sharks that are found in the river that sludges through Paris are delicious when ground into a pâté and spread on a crusty baguette, because they are comprised almost exclusively of butter, which is the second most common rain run-off substance in Paris other than merde, which is their opinion of what you’re wearing and your French pronunciation.
Sea of Cortez sharks: diabetic, drunk, and divorced
The rain (dust) run-off from Cabo and chartered fishing boats, filled with overweight 57-year-old men from San Diego, is a unique mix of Coca-Cola, Corona, mezcal, and inexpensive rosé. These sharks were found to be fairly chill and affable except during political conversations, when they became irrational, vocal advocates of Donald Trump. Female sharks were much more likely to be divorcees from Dallas and in the midst of a Live-Laugh-Love bender with their closest friends from high school, who are all also divorced and very drunk on inexpensive rosé.
Berlin sharks: euphoric and highly affectionate (MDMA) but also dark and sad
Sharks found in the two rivers in Berlin, the Spree and the Havel, are very active Sunday through Thursday and entirely dormant on Friday and Saturday nights in July, which is when American tourists from Bushwick are in town to get rejected from Berghain and then settle for Chalet or Kater Blau. These sharks have the lowest levels of serotonin of any sharks in the world, except for Tuesday and Wednesdays between the hours of 1am and 8am, when their serotonin levels spike to euphoric levels.
Mediterranean sharks: la dolce teetha (Aperol, espresso, nicotine)
Sharks found off the Amalfi Coast and around the Greek Islands are typically very charming and very good at getting you to give them your credit card in exchange for arranging all of your tours, dinner reservations, and boat rentals. Aperol levels spike in these sharks at around 5pm, and espresso and nicotine levels are consistently high 24 hours a day.
Thames sharks: never not just a bit pissed (ale, mead, pure ethanol)
Sharks found in the main artery of London, the River Thames, have the highest blood alcohol levels of any animal on the planet except for the humans who live on the land surrounding the Thames. These sharks tend to winge a lot about politics, the weather, and the French. They are not typically dangerous, because guns are not allowed in London, and because they do not exercise or express emotion. A great way of approaching these sharks is by suggesting a drink at 11am on a Tuesday, which is when the weekend begins in the UK.