Shirtless-Running Guys and Vest Guys are the same species, study finds

Science delivers critical dating insight to single NYC women

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The findings of a study sponsored by single women in New York City has revealed that guys who wear vests and guys who run shirtless are the same guys. Years of informal research carried out by 20- and 30something women in Murray Hill, the West Village, and the Upper East Side had suggested that wearing vests and running shirtless were leading male indicators of being super annoying to date. Because women never date men who wear vests long enough to observe if they also run shirtless (or vice versa), these were assumed to be isolated maladaptive behaviors associated with discrete male populations. This suggested that there was a disproportionately large number of super annoying guys in New York City. The new study provides hope to single women all over Murray Hill, the West Village, and the Upper East Side.

“Thanks to science, we now know that guys who wear vests in 59 degree or cooler weather become guys who don’t wear shirts while running in 60 degree or warmer weather,” explained Jessica, the founder of an organic mushroom-based D2C cosmetics business. “This means that women can now reliably screen out the most annoying guys to date at any point in late Spring when everyone is actually in New York before summering in Southern Europe.”

The paper, co-authored by Jessica and the single women of Murray Hill, the West Village, and the Upper East Side, found that men who wear vests and men who run shirtless are 37 times more likely to have played intramural lacrosse at Bucknell, Gettysburg, and Lafayette and to claim that they work in private equity when they actually work in corporate real estate. The study required researchers to go to Wilfie & Nell, Dante West Village, or any venue owned by Jon Neidich at 6pm on a Thursday and give their numbers to any man wearing a vest during Corporate Logo Vest Week, which takes place April 7 to April 13. Over the course of the following several days researchers received late-night texts suggesting impromptu drinks until finally being invited to dinner on a Monday at a Thai restaurant with a 4.1 Google Maps rating.

Researchers were then subjected to stories about the Padel tournament every subject somehow won in Miami in October 2021 when they were sharing a sick house in Key Biscayne with five other single 20something men from New York City who also work in private equity corporate real estate.

Researchers were then instructed to be unavailable for a second date until Fake Spring became Real Spring and the air temperature was consistently 60 degrees or warmer. Rather than accepting the subjects’ persistent late night drinks invitations, researchers suggested a Saturday afternoon walk along the water in Hudson Park. Of the 162 subjects, 154 (94.4%) of them arrived shirtless and sweaty after concluding “an epic run.” Researchers reported that 100% of subjects had a faded, white Bucknell, Gettysburg, or Lafayette hat on backwards and that 61% of subjects had a shirt tucked into the back of their Vuori running shorts. 39% of subjects did not appear to have a shirt on their person at all, which suggests that they rode a Citi Bike ebike shirtless to Hudson Park from the apartment they share with two other men who work in private equity corporate real estate.

“This is a huge leap forward for younger women who live in Murray Hill, the West Village, and the Upper East Side and are tired of going to average-rated Thai restaurants with average guys who don’t actually work in private equity,” said Jessica. “Our next study will focus on distinguishing Bay Area guys who are summering in Italy after selling their generative AI startup from the Bay Area guys who are unemployed and just like, entouraging with their friend who is actually post-economic.” The findings of this study are expected to be published Tuesday, September 2, 2025.