Record voter stay-in predicted among RFK Jr. supporters

A profile of RFK Jr. supporters who will not actually vote on Nov 5

Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the living Kennedy who looks the most like a New Yorker cartoon of a dead Kennedy, is poised to make history as the first independent presidential candidate to turn millions of votes that may have otherwise been cast for electable candidates into votes that will not be cast at all. 

“We have never detected such a high level of political virtue signaling from supporters that will fail to translate into election day action,” says Olegsandr Kremlinenko, a specialist in American elections who works for Russia, a digital content agency based in Eastern Europe next to China. According to the agency’s findings, just shy of 10% of eligible voters support RFK Jr., and one hundred percent of these people will on November 5 have a leisure travel conflict, experience a psychological breakdown, or decide that voting machines cause the illness that ended the alien civilization that predated humans. This will result in RFK Jr. receiving approximately .0 percent of the popular vote and .000 percent of electoral college votes, which will lead to someone who is not RFK Jr. becoming president who definitely would not have become the president had RFK Jr. not tired of being just a kooky eco lawyer, Cheryl Hines’ Cape Cod retirement plan, and the Kennedy that makes the other 1,429 derivatives of Joseph P. Kennedy Sr. seem normal by comparison.  

“I’ve donated just over $3 million from my liquid trust to RFK’s campaign,” says Terrence W. Thornhill, a descendant on his father’s side of the guy who invented hedge funds and – on his mother’s side – the owner of Nebraska, Kansas, and South Dakota. “Being a part of RFK Jr.’s vision has been as impactful on my sense of purpose as my third plant medicine ceremony.” Terrence, or T-Dub as his friendtourage calls him, explains that prior to getting into talking about politics, his free time – which is the only kind of time he knows – was spent on Instagram posting paraphrased uncredited Alan Watts and Eckhart Tolle quotes in Typewriter font over sunset photographs of the fig tree on his thirty-acre Topanga, CA property, which was acquired for him by one of his family’s holding companies, Blacksheep Capital LLC IV. Now he posts photos of himself in a kimono with his arm draped around RFK Jr. in front of his fig tree at sunset. “He has the most powerful soul of any I’ve felt,” says T-Dub, “and I’ve met the Dalai Lama and Stevie Nicks.”

Kremlinenko estimates that about one-third of RFK Jr.’s supporters are estranged trust-funded nepo-babies with partially formed identities, light blue vintage restomod Broncos, and no impulse control. T-Dub’s most recent campaign initiative was subsidizing a guided ayahuasca journey led by RFK Jr. himself for donors who contributed at least one Bitcoin, a lot of ETH, or 500 grams of ceremonial-grade ketamine. “It was inspiring to see RFK purge and transcend,” says T-Dub. “We all manifested a win for him in November, which is of course far more important than any physical vote.”

“Fmrmmmf thrm ffmm mmssnhhh drffff mmmmp,” says someone whose eyes, eyebrow ring, and turquois-colored hairline suggests that they are a mid-twenties human whose comments are indecipherable from behind the black N95 mask they are wearing for some fucking reason. These loud, garbled, strident sentiments are common among 18-to-26 year-old non-voters in the Northeast, Chicago, and Pacific Northwest who have been programmed to be disillusioned with liberal democracies and have been lured to the less unpredictable nature of government found in the authoritarian communist regimes that have generously underwritten their political science education on TikTok. “Shrfff mooooff umf FRMPH,” underscores this person while adjusting their keffiyeh, which still has an Urban Outfitters tag on it.

“Un tipo me dio un certificado de regalo de Taco Bell para decir que apoyo a RFK Jr.,” says a man who asked to be identified only as Pedro. “Tomé el certificado de regalo y le dije que se fuera a la mierda, pero él no hablaba español y solo sonrió y me estrechó la mano.” Many of RFK Jr.’s supporters are illegal immigrants who appreciate that he has no clear plan for addressing the border crises or really any other crises facing the country. A significant number of illegal immigrants who cannot legally vote are expected to not vote for RFK.

“I’m glad there’s finally a candidate who knows that Big Pharma created both Covid and the Covid vaccine as a way to boost earnings,” says Shelsedia Weed, a mother of eleven – three of whom are actively nursing on her breasts – and one of the wives of a retired cinderblock entrepreneur who live on a heavily fortified compound extremely far outside of Salt Lake City, UT. “None of us have ever contracted Covid, and we know we won’t, because Covid is a scam,” she says serenely from a distance of about thirty feet through several 50-foot-tall chain-link fences, which appear to seamlessly encircle a cluster of log cabins, a slaughterhouse, and an enormous hydroponic greenhouse. “Yup,” says one of the nursing children.

“Get the fuck off of my property!” shrieks a bearded man through the narrowly opened window of a suburban medical facility, aiming what a munitions expert would probably describe as a 1980s-era toy musket that was made by a now defunct Mattel competitor. “I’ll fucking blow your pinko red commie brains out!” he continues, his one unpatched eye blinking wildly. RFK is polling far ahead of any candidate among adults of any age who identify as fire trucks, have been involuntarily committed to interminable psychiatric care, and are only permitted to vote in elections that pit mashed potatoes against French fries.

When asked if they were concerned about the predicted ubiquity of voter stay-in among RFK Jr. supporters, a high-ranking campaign official smiles and says, “we don’t need votes.” This person, who is wearing a neon green COVID IS A SCAM cap, closes their eyes and says, “we are manifesting victory on November 5.”