Feel free to listen to an audio recording of the text below while you shave:
Summer is the best season for making the worst decisions, and there are few decisions that are worse for any gender than growing a mustache. Given the sudden proliferation of hairy lips, many people who are capable of growing a sideburn below their nose are wondering whether or not they are missing something — specifically, vestigial hair above their mouths.
To help you reach the right decision for your face and for the people who are frequently subjected to the sight your face, here is a list of 21 point-based questions, the sum of which will indicate how appropriate foliage is for your upper lip:
Do you have an aversion to sex? +1
Is it Movember? +1
Do you wear beige polo shirts and have a taste for human flesh? +1
Do you work in law enforcement in New Mexico, or do you play a highway patrolman in a poorly rated 1980s-era television show set in New Mexico available only on Amazon Prime? +1
Can you not afford a beard trimmer and a razor and do you have a rare genetic condition that prevents hair from growing on other areas of your face? +1
Are you Salvador Dali? +1
Are you attending a party dressed as Salvador Dali, and are you deathly allergic to facial glue? +1
Are you a single, 42-year-old junior high school volleyball coach who wears shorts tight enough to reveal circumcision errors and hugs your players just a tad too long when they lose a match? +42
Do you get older and they stay the same age? +1
Are you on any kind of a watchlist? +1
Are you Kazakh spy? +1
Are you Sam Elliott, Tom Selleck, or the remains of Groucho Marx, or are you playing any of these actors in an ill-fated direct-to-Hulu biopic about one of them? +1,982
Are you a 24-year-old musician with more than 3 tattoos and at least 4 metallic facial perforations who lives with your girlfriend and her boyfriend and his girlfriend and her girlfriend in a loft in Bushwick? +24
Do you have a scar on your face that is significant enough that no one ever asks about it? +1
Does irritating your parents bring you joy? +203
Do you not have the constitution to actively breakup with the woman you started dating a couple of months ago? +1
Are you a European man who is over 70 years old and under 180cm tall? +179
Are you a joyful Indian man in his late 50s who sells rugs in New Delhi? +11
Do you (professionally) direct pornographic films in the San Fernando Valley shot on 8mm film? +818
Are you a 26 year old bisexual male-identifying person in Paris named Talha who always talks to animals in an annoying baby voice? +26
Are you so ridiculously handsome that you could shave your facial hair into unicorn on your left check, an amoeba on the right, and a Sieg Heil in the middle and still cause traffic accidents when you walk down the street? +1,000
If you scored 4,296 or more points, you should embrace celibacy, get excited about being pulled aside by TSA, move to Bushwick or New Delhi, and jump on the Summer of 2024 lip upholstery bandwagon.
Number 8 felt cuttingly personal