Heat complaints overheard in San Francisco

“At least gentrification is slowing down.”

“It’s too hot for all three of us to sleep in the same bed.”

“My succulent garden is thriving, but my fig tree is freaking out.”

“This is literally the first time I’ve ever sweat outside of my infrared sauna.”

“…so I just said, fuck it, I’m wearing my vest without the shirt.”

“The shithead tax dodgers who moved to Miami sent this, didn’t they.”

“I’m pitting out just walking my ducking duck.”

“Every flavor at Bi-rite Creamery is sold out, even the ones with cow milk.”

“My cold plunge is now a cool plunge.”

“I’m so confused—it’s dark out, and I can’t wear a windbreaker.”

“I didn’t realize that San Francisco doesn’t have air conditioning until I tried to set my Nest to 66.” 

“This is driving down my startup’s valuation, because our data center is overheating.”

“How is bread supposed to happen? Bakeries all over town are closed because the fucking sourdough isn’t rising.”

“Will the adaptogens in my latte still work if it’s iced?”

“911, I have an emergency—there’s a homele - er, unhoused person in my zen garden waterfall… Wait, how did you know that I live in Pac Heights on Broadway?”

“Don’t worry, my fund just onboarded a climate tech team to invest in solutions to this heatwave.”

“Sorry, I can’t make it to work today—it’s too hot to walk, rollerblade, onewheel, cycle, or Lime.” 

“The condensation on my Ring doorbell camera is fucking up my security system’s facial recognition, so we’re heading to the Aspen house.”

“Ultimate just got canceled.”

“Where the fuck is Karl when you need him.”