12 Rules for Men at Sex Parties

How not to be cringe in a room filled with naked people

The only topic on which I have unrivaled authority is sunblock, but as a relatively new entrant to this world I’ve learned a bit about play party etiquette by watching men be cringe. 

Now that almost every party in a blue state metropolis at some point melts into a cuddle puddle if not a full-on orgy, someone must do men in New York, LA, and San Francisco a favor and break down the rules when gatherings become lascivious. If you’re a cis man living in Boston, you should focus on getting laid one-on-one first, maybe by getting rid of those ill-fitting pleated khakis, that pitted beige Patagonia fleece vest that was briefly cool in college in 2005 and the oversized Red Sox jersey that was never, ever cool. Men in Milan and Paris were taught play party etiquette in wine tasting classes when they were 12, and after a few hazy, unsettling nights in Berghain I can attest that the only rule Berliners have is to keep the cattle prod charged. Play parties do not take place outside of these locations because people aren’t attractive enough to have recreational sex. 

The first time I heard the term “play party” was in late 2018 at a four-day party in the remote desert of a fairly liberal middle eastern country thrown by an astonishingly wealthy couple who had just discovered Burning Man and felt compelled to recreate it with Michelin chefs and compulsory sponge baths. I heard a few dinner guests discussing the “play party” that was scheduled before the sunrise DJ set, and I didn’t know what this meant until I heard a chorus of sex sounds at 4am coming from the glamping yurt next to mine. My response was disdain and earplugs. 

I don’t know what’s changed since then exactly - maybe it’s the growing awareness of how narrow of a window men have between being unfuckably immature and unfuckably old and the realization that I am squarely in the middle of it. Whatever it is, I’ve been living each day like I’ll be unfuckable tomorrow. Here’s what I’ve learned. 

1. Don’t call it a sex party. It’s a play party. Calling it a sex party is presumptuous. Sure, there’s a chance you’ll have sex, but for that to happen someone will need to want to have sex with you, and calling it a sex party makes you seem like you’re a single middle-aged man who wears silk robes during the day, calls his bedroom a “dojo”, prominently displays a CD collection, pays for bottle service at midtown clubs with a Diners Club and drives a burgundy Infinity sedan. No one wants to fuck that guy.  

2. Don’t ask to be invited to a play party. The utility and appeal of straight men (outside of prison showers) has been plummeting everywhere for years, but straight solo men at play parties are particularly odious. As a man, asking anyone who’s hosting a play party to include you is tantamount to asking if they want to fuck you. If you are Harry Styles, go ahead and ask, because everyone wants to fuck you. If you are anyone else, just express curiosity if the topic of play parties organically arises. To improve your odds, note that play party people are found in higher densities at Burning Man, Burning Man camp fundraisers, or parties in Williamsburg where people sit on the floor and listen to wordless deep house on ketamine. If someone you’re talking with is wearing a kimono and uses the word “community” more than twice in 60 seconds, they are a play party host. Ask them if they were at “that play party in the loft on Wythe Street that started with the amazing eye-gazing ceremony last week.” Whether or not they say yes is irrelevant - they will be delighted that you are a member of their tribe and will invite you to their next play if you are at least a 7, compliment their kimono and eyeball-gaze them.  

3. If you don’t get invited to a private play party, then your recourse is to find a woman who is into “community,” join a club like Chemistry, Hacienda or NSFW with her, and pay a lot of cash for the privilege of going to parties that serve eight different types of packaged processed snack foods in mismatching bowls at slightly derelict spaces in undesirable neighborhoods, only to leave after one or two judgy, sexless hours with a newfound appreciation for how relatively attractive you are. If you’re a woman, you can do this all by yourself. Men are never allowed into hetero play parties alone, because men. 

If you get an invitation…

4. Don’t tell your friends about it before. You’ll seem eager, and if your eagerness lingers and follows you to the party like cheap cologne, no one will want to fuck you (unless you are not a straight cis male).

5. Don’t wear too much cologne. Being too heavily scented for an existing partner is fine, because they’ll just hand you a facecloth (moistened with warm water if they love you at all) and tell you to tone down the Drakar Noir, but at a play party, you may not know someone for longer than 3 minutes before you engage in some form of sex. In the parallel universe of a play parties, telling someone they’re over-scented is actually more intimate than having sex with them, so you will just be avoided like the damp spot on the bed. 

6. Go to the gym and forget that white carbohydrates exist. You know how they say the camera adds 10 pounds? Well, play parties add 20 pounds. Someone who is invested in more than just a night with you might forgive a loose belly, but it isn’t called a personality party, is it? It’s called a play party. You are meat in a deli, and you’d better be lean if you want to end up in a sandwich.

7. Big Pharma ftw. Yes, I mean viagra or cialis. The combination of stage fright and the number of (potential) play partners means that you are walking into the Olympics of Sex, where your performance will be tested and evaluated by judges who do not give a shit if you’re using performance enhancements.

There is always an obligatory thirty to ninety minute lingering period at every play party before the play that consists of conversations you might have at a work happy hour on a Wednesday, only everyone is basically just trying to decide who they want to bone while waiting for one of the women to disrobe and signal that it’s time to stop talking. For men, this is a crucial period of time. To maximize your odds of success when the disco lights go on and clothes come off…

8. Start with small talk. Small talk in this context is actually kind of ideal. Small talk gives two people in an exceptionally compressed courtship of sorts the inner space to size each other up. No one is actually listening to words. Everyone is just trying to look hot and watching each other’s mouths move while surreptitiously glancing at boobs and bulges. Speak softly and slowly and use small words. Imagine you’re talking to a puppy. Actually, that’s fucked up - don’t do that, just don’t talk about Proust or your childhood trauma. 

9. Speaking of puppies, show dog pictures. Research has shown that having or pretending to have a dog at play parties makes you 300% more fuckable.  So at some point during small talk, bring up your schnauzer rescue dog, Max, and show a photo of him. If you don’t have a dog, google “dog” and save your favorite photo. 

When the play begins… 

10. Take your socks off immediately. Ideally you’ll catch someone’s eye and they will take your clothes off for you, but no one wants to deal with your socks (unless they’re a foot fetishist), so do it quickly and invisibly because every man in history looks like they’re either 9 or 90 when they take their socks off. 

11. Ask for consent to do absolutely everything. Remember these words: enthusiastic consent. There’s a way to do this and make it sexy. Make direct eye contact and lower your voice an octave. If you don’t have a deep voice, speak French. If you don’t have a deep voice or speak French, stay home and watch golf.

12. Don’t tell your friends about it afterwards unless something hilarious happens, and by “something hilarious” I mean you do something that will make you cringe for the rest of your life. I haven’t done anything yet that makes me cringe, because I was born with an innate understanding of how to conduct myself in a room filled with lots of naked people. The handful of play parties I’ve attended have only refined my native intuition into the expertise you have had the good fortune to read. I am the Obi-fucking-Wan of play parties. 

A word to women: you don’t need to do anything. Literally not a word of this applies to you. Whatever your age, size or orientation, you are perfect. All you have to do is show up and decide whose night you will make or break. Just try not to point and giggle.