“Spring reminds me why I live in New York,” says Chloë Woodson, a 27-year-old publicist for nutrition influencers who returned yesterday from Aspen and will depart tonight for Lisbon. “Being here this time of year is such a recharge for me,” she says, adjusting one of her cowboy boots. “Everyone is outside, shopping for white sneakers, drinking iced lattes in tank tops and cashmere hoodies, debating which Schengen airport to fly into for Summer in Europe.” She looks up at the sky around Cafe Kitsuné, smiles, and takes a deep breath. “I took a Claritan this morning, so.”
Spring arrived slightly later than usual this year, beginning at 7:25am yesterday. Climatologists predict that the season will conclude today at 8:19pm.
“It’s hotter than I expected for Spring,” says Gerhard van der Heide, who is sitting outside at B’artusi armed with a prodigious Aperol Spritz paired with a spartan iceberg salad. Gerhard is seated across from an imperious blond woman who is frowning emphatically and fanning herself with the hand that is unencumbered by her own Aperol Spritz. “It’s like 27 degrees here,” he says, chewing the cherry tomato, “and in Amsterdam it’s, oh – maybe 10 or 11.” He looks at me expectantly. I don’t know what these numbers mean, so I walk away.
The medically survivable warmth of Spring is a reminder for New Yorkers to prepare for the dystopian heat waves that swamp the region after Winter Relapse transitions into Summer in the third week of April. As such, New Yorkers typically spend 27% of their 36-hour Spring frantically shopping for and installing window-mounted air conditioning units. PC Richards has 94% market share in Manhattan, and most AC units in Brooklyn are sourced through Craigslist postings in Hempstead on Long Island, which is where AC units that are sourced from diverted PC Richards delivery trucks are sold to younger, unmarried couples who blithely load them into 2015 Subarus embellished with faded Bernie Sanders 2016 stickers and gleaming RFK 2024 stickers. Air conditioning has not yet been invented on the Upper West Side.
Another popular springtime NYC activity is dating. Most younger New Yorkers maintain some kind of semi-romantic, semi-polyamorous situationship during the Cold Months with people who have compatible Winter travel schedules. These ephemeral connections begin at holiday parties in mid-December, and skiing-vs-beach quarrels upend them in late February, which is when Raya reports an exponential uptick in profile status changes from the explicit here for friends to the implicit default, DTF.
“I was dating this girl who was awesome,” says J.D. Deuschberg, an associate at his family’s family office who is holding an iced latte seated on the long, black bench in front of Partners Coffee in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. “But after spending February in Jackson Hole she wanted to go to Santa Teresa for March, and that’s when the mountain was finally getting dumped, so that’s when she got dumped.” He smiles a little at his play on words. “So I’m back on the apps today and tomorrow,” he says. “I’ve set my location to Lisbon, because I match with more girls in New York when I seem like I’m in Europe.” J.D. watches a younger woman walk by in a white tank top, a long flowy dress, and brown cowboy boots. He frowns. “I think her boyfriend added me to a group chat with her on Feeld in London,” he remarks before scrutinizing his phone.
“Where did you get those white sneakers?” I ask. He kicks his right foot out from below the bench and regards the pristine, scuffless white shoe.
“Kith,” he says. “I was there right when they opened yesterday. I had my assistant get on the queue at around nine, because the right white sneaker sell out by mid-Spring.” The middle of Spring would have been shortly before the store closed last night at 7 o’clock, so I resign myself to make due with last season’s white sneakers – they will suffice until it is too hot walk outside beginning the third week of May, which is when everyone in Manhattan, Williamsburg and the more expensive parts of Bushwick and Greenpoint will depart for Europe.
Enjoy the remaining nine hours of Spring.